Bullying is everywhere. Playground. Boardroom. Bedroom.
If you believe the saying “what you focus on grows”, then you can run your own program when it comes to people who treat you in a way that is cruel or aggressive physically or mentally. The behaviour or bully might not disappear entrirely, because, as we know, new behaviours are hard to begin let alone maintain.
In other words, where you put your mental and physical energy or efforts is where you will encourage growth or momentum. So if you place your efforts on yourself, specifically on your needs you are wanting to meet, you will gain momentum in areas you want to.
If you want to bring a bully to justice, you will need to make a firm decision to take it further by bringing awareness to the right people in the right departments. And stick to it. Be prepared, you may need to leave anyway.
Sometimes bullying is an outward sign, in some weird way affirming that you already had one foot outside the organisation/relationship anyway.
Bullys may be aggressive AND, as I see it, they are also fearful. I am not asking you to feel sorry for them or try to make them your friend. Although you might consider their behaviour didn’t just occur without a reason. They too are trying to meet a need. The strategy may be screwed up however.
In my role as a mediator or when supporting families and work colleagues in tense conversations, I never refer to them as bully or victim. For this article I will use these terms here for communicating quickly. Those words set up the scene for bad and good labels.
As I see it our perception drives our lives.
To be, or not to be, free from bullying
You need to work through what it was that is activated in you when the “bully” does what they do.
You can go to a lot of effort to prove you were right or that your work/life is adversely affected by being bullied, however, what amount of energy are you willing to throw at it?
How much money, time and sleeplessness are you willing to endure to prove you are right?
At what cost?
Its been my experience, that it is better to leave, if the bully is firmly entrenched with support . However, if the bully is going through a rough patch, the behaviour might dwindle or disappear altogether so perhaps you can ride it out.
The bit in between reaks havoc with health
It’s the bit in between that wears you down and creates havoc with health. The bit in between is when it first starts and you are trying to analyse every moment to see where you may have done something to trigger their actions.
The bit where you start to raise up and speak up and then get crushed because the bully is resilient and willing to put their energy behind it and their self preservation is a strong motivator. The bit in between is the bit where you then try to play it cool or play their game and its like walking on eggshells, always on guard.
The bit in between causes doubt and relentless thoughts that can’t be switched off at will. The bits in between where you are no longer yourself or what you would like yourself to be like.
The bully will be bullying loads of others and some are not bothered by it, some are leaving already, some are complying reluctantly, some are complying willingly, some are whining to others and that’s enough for them…. Whatever is happening around you, be assured that you are not the only one.
As soon as you can stop taking it personally it will affect you much less and may even disappear.
Breaking the dynamics of bully/victim starts with you, whichever one you identify with.
“Blowing out someone elses candle doesn’t make yours shine brighter”
Giving credit where its due:
(in order of appearance) with gratitude : George Bernard Shaw, Zambi wildlife, George Bernard Shaw, thisislovelifequotes
Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty
and the pig likes it.