How to Resolve an Argument
And feel better quickly
The path of least resistance
I’ve been experimenting with this a lot lately. As a woman I find myself wanting to say “it’s not what happened, it’s the principal of it that matters”. And then I find myself saying “Yuck”.
To be clear….this is NOT the path of least resistance.
If you stick to this line of thinking you will always have a principal to argue about. We are not made the same, we have different families growing up we have different life experiences and along the way we find firm beliefs that get in the way of us succeeding and communicating in ways that would give us ease and peace of mind.
I don’t ever want anyone to just give up or give in to keep the peace. We keep our arguments going in the form of resentment or pain.
it’s important to realize that this pain is something that needs to be acknowledged and processed. The longer we sit on it, the harder it is to work through, and the more likely it is that we will be forced to acknowledge it as it makes itself known to us in ways we can’t predict. Rather than waiting for this to happen, we can empower ourselves by identifying the pain and resolving to take action toward healing it.
A way that I know of to heal the pain is to journal. Many people who journal talk about writing it all out, getting it out of your head and onto the page. I don’t agree.
Our bodies can do miraculous things with our beliefs. If we take notes in school it serves a purpose for remembering our teacher’s words and for revising later. If we wrote down something painful that happened to us and then re-read it later it would remind us of the painful experience.
I would never suggest this would be healing or healthy journaling.
To heal is to be heard. Start with yourself.
Journaling in this way will relieve the pressure inside you which is what I refer to as healing in part, the other part of healing is when you are heard by someone else and can be understood and forgive yourself or the other person. Depending on the amount of resentment, you may not be forgiving them for everything. A small part of forgiveness will help your whole mood
and can be uplifting for quite a few days or even forever.
This style of journaling can give you the next small step to take that moves the conversation forward in a way that’s non-threatening then you can soften and
Start to love yourself or the other person more easily.
Sometimes it seems to me that I can’t imagine why I was so cross and I don’t need to think of it again.
You simply use the 4 steps of Compassionate Communication. Observation-what is it that I heard or saw that stirred strong emotions inside me.
Writing your judgements of the event
Writing a couple of words to describe the strong emotions-e.g mad, sad etc
And then a corresponding need or what quality it was that you were wanting in that moment
Follow that by a request, making sure that it’s a teeny weeny weeny step. A good rule of thumb might be to write what you would like to ask of yourself or someone else then write down what might be the very first step of that request.
For example, your partner or flatmate eats
dinner and leaves the plate on the dinner table in the living room until the
morning. Your initial request might be to ask your partner/flatmate to wash it
up and put it away or load the dishwasher.
The first step in this case might be asking your partner/flatmate to take their plate to the kitchen sink and rinse it every evening.
That’s a concrete doable step that is wrapped in a time frame.
If this part brings up thoughts like –
they should know this, they should be doing this already. Why do I have to go through all this journaling. Why do I need to be nervous to ask the most basic things.
Write down some more judgements and then corresponding feelings and needs and see what else is lurking underneath.
There is something very soothing about this style of journaling. It has a component of listening, a component of venting, taking a bit of responsibility, not giving in or losing face and the magic piece is progress.
This is why I love it so much.
It’s simple and powerful.
It’s definitely not easy.
Help is here if you want it. https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=15012401
Choose from a laser coaching session of 30 minutes where we move fast and zero in on the 1 thing that’s in the way right now.
A one off session where we take it slower and take the first step toward getting you some peace of mind.
A three session package usually taken over 3 weeks, where we can instil some new more life serving habits that will impact your internal world as well as those around you. Very affordable and very efficient.
In the meantime, why not pop over to my facebook page and get some inspirational words each week.
Just a wee reminder about this weekend. STOP being self-critical
Lots of love